preoccupation with cogitation

each day, some days, i struggle with living the moment, with filling it with satisfaction, accomplishment, rich content, along with joy, and contentment. it's often odd that i use the word 'struggle' as this should come easily, so i think.

there are so many moments of 'catch my breath' elation, but they go quickly, and i'm always looking for the next fix. always restlessly trying to find a venture, change, or interest that may sustain me for a stable period of time.

the turmoil comes with the multitude of options, and dichotomy of peace and noise. i feel free and energized at times for the gift of not having to work for a while, yet also a loss of identity and purpose.

i'm reading 'change your brain, change your life' by dr. daniel amen. he explores the concept that our 'personalities' are a combination of biology, psychiatry, genetics and environmental, including associations. we are so much more complex than we can really fathom. however, bit by bit, it seems we are capable of learning more. the biology of our brain and it's many components(cingulate gyrus, amygdala,limbic system, prefrontal cortex,temporal lobes, basal ganglia etc), contain pieces of our capabilities and personality according to dr amen. he describes many case studies and how many of his patients overcome emotion disorders by medication, psychotherapy, and methods of healing that he discovered and confirmed some we already know about. he has helped depression, schizophrenia, anger issues and a multitude of 'mental' and 'control' issues, as well as ADD, dyslexia, and learning dysfunctions. he uses a brain scan called SPECT and EEG biofeedback for the biology aspect of his analysis.

i think i have huge problems with many functions especially my cingulate. this is where you get 'stuck' on a thought and have great difficulty letting it go. this is where a lot of compulsive disorders resides. oh brother...

really, the amount of neuroscience, psychology and 'enlightened' type lit, i should be a more evolved and centred person. but the reality is that the interest is the reason. the internal insanity the cause for the search.

perhaps dr amen will read this blog, and fix me. his name intrigues me a little coming from a staunch roman catholic background, that has done some serious falling...:)

elex is sleeping in my arms in the baby bjorn...another fleeting ambrosial moment.