dissatisfaction

spreads like wildfire. it's like poison that climbs into another's being and spreads like black ink on a paper napkin. before awareness, another mood is destroyed.

i need to meditate more. can't seem to learn that om state where i'm not affected.

what really matters? do you know? will it be important when you look back? why are we so focus on the negative? why is that so much more attractive?

some women to the emotionally unavailable. "why men love bitches" is a title of a book.

is human nature just doomed to the dark side?

Become

was listening to cbc - c'est la vie about a couple's adoption experience. two boys two separate times from Haiti.

i am always awed by the expansion of the human heart. the kinds of human souls that have such great capacity for loving and giving and the understanding of what gives us real pure undefined joy.

i sometimes have to dig really deep to see what i essentially may have that may bring some realness to my reality. but i often wonder if i have that greatness. i know i want it, but how truly real am i?

workout

i did it! well for one day. zillions of happy endorphins running around in my body is fabulous.

i hope i hurt tomorrow.

good night.

mildly dejected

it wasn't a good day for the mind. so tired of semi-conscious games people play. i would just love to live in a world of balance of just character and community. don't do unto others what you would not like unto self. it seems so scarce to find like-minded peace and enthusiasm of soul. not a perfect world but just one that tries at least to live with a strand of decency. tired and running out of steam in this environment of seemly such virulence, such disaffection, discord and distrust. need to break free from the toxic and acidity.
sad so very sad.

reads

i've absorbed two books lately that have addicted my time. anna karenina - tolstoy and atlas shrugged - ayn rand.

i was surprised to had been so entrenched. tolstoy depth and richness of his characters is like none i've ever experienced. i'm sure i've read some others that have amazingness, but somehow his grasp of the male and female core is quite astounding to me.

ayn rand is a philosophy that i can understand but do not fully believe. her fantasies and characters are delightful. you can connect to them more if you are female:) she was born in Russia in 1906 and wrote this in 1957. she described this as her "magnum opus". Not having read any other i cannot compare but it was certainly magnificent. there are parts especially at the end where her style of "preaching" goes on and on and on...i'm not exaggerating.

i was browsing for a different read and stumbled upon "unless" - carol shields.

2011's wish

a brand new slate to canvass and create. Busy drawing and bustling through all i would like to experience for the next 365 days.

"full and present living" is the trend for me this year. i've always found this very challenging. my head is always in a realm of imagination and dimensions away from "now". my word this year is "BE". for best and excellence. the restless nature struggles but i aim to succeed.

priority list:

family time
implement a long lasting exercise routine
make time for creating and hobbies
routine for work learns, tools and tasks
household organization
read and smile everyday (even if the smiling is just a facial exercise)

material list:

epson stylus photo r1900 printer . i accept donations.
as many books as i can read. i accept recommendations. i would like to read almost everything. a home wall to wall library is beautiful.
wine
tickets to oprah
photography classes

that's it. happy new year.