Steve's Jobs' eulogy - http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/opinion/mona-simpsons-eulogy-for-steve-jobs.html?pagewanted=all

There is so much to a person. Warts and wonderment, and the potential to be amazement and larger than life. So big. Some find it. But it's really not the accomplishments I see here but the humanity and ability to love so largely.

I believed he changed the world largely. But what I admire most for all I've read about him is his knowing of himself and his capacity to love himself and those dear to him so seemingly completely. That is at the end the only essence that last.

Earphones

I got out of bed, went downstairs and found my long missing earphones.

Life is balance once more. Amazingness is about to happen. I accept.

"If you're bothered by every rub, how will you ever be polished?"
- Rumi

Ashes than Dust

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze that it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." 
 
- Jack London, London was an American author who wrote The Call of the Wild, White Fang, and The Sea Wolf along with many other popular books.

joyless

it is stifling, strangling and hopeless
in the mind of another
i stare at you and see mirrored
my ugliness
screaming an endless silence and never being heard
i want to run and run as far where the road ends
from this black eternal hole
i see no end
ubiquitous cavalier voices
just a never ending spiral
drowning in a tsunami of despair.

Enough

She's sixteen and aware for the first time
It's not enough
It's stifling, lonely, overwhelming
Always searching for that elusive
Where instinct says it is out there
Reality says it's not
But she can't let go, she has seen it
She is confused
Maybe only in dreams
The wanting is burning
Can't let go of an illusion
That has been felt somewhere
Somehow someone.

illusion and ego

i went out alone on my way to my tryst
but who is this me in the dark
i step aside to avoid his presence
but i escape him not
he makes the dust rise from the earth with his swagger
he adds his loud voice to every word i utter
he is my own little self my lord
he knows no shame
but I
i am ashame
to come to thy door in his company

- rabindranath tagore

that is real that never changes

- Muktananda

even after all this time
the sun never says to the earth
"You owe Me"

just think what a love like that can do
it lights up the whole world

- Hafiz

random

"from the beginning i had a sense of destiny as if my life was assigned to me by faith and had to be fulfilled, this gave me an inner security and though i could never prove it to myself, it proved itself to me, i did not have this certainty it had me."

let it be

Be.

Grate on full

my thoughts were grateful today for the abundance in my life, but it just takes a drop of dark ink to spread those bitter chemicals. i still cannot be unaffected. It's truly tiring.

i have a beautiful picture though... jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, jack fell down and broke his crown and jill came tumbling after. recited at bed time by elex.

If you could see the many images in my head. You would laugh and cry and perhaps be a tad horrified.

getting inspired

i feel like salmon swimming up stream....getting inspired is sometimes a tortured task. my vision board needs more vision. i was playing with photoshop and realized that practice practice is indeed in need. why hasn't someone invented that damn thought recorder. the ideas and creation keep coming but the production to reality is slow moving and nearer to extinction or a vanishing act. focusing is also a challenge. i do have a version of add i'm sure.

young hearts run free

i love the music from the 70's. i'm not sure where it comes from but perhaps the nostalgia of babyhood. it does something to me. triggers weird sensations. mostly i don't understand my chemical reactions, just that i have them. i feel quite hypnotize...

What's the sense in sharing
This one and only life
Endin' up just another lost and lonely wife
You'll count up the years
And they will be filled with tears
Love only breaks up, to start over again
You'll get the babies, but you won't have your man
While he is busy loving every woman that he can, uh-huh
Say I'm gonna leave a hundred times a day
It's easier said than done
When you just can't break away
(when you just can't break away)
[Chorus:]
Oh, young hearts run free
Never be hung up
Hung up like my man and me
My man and me
Ooooh, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when love really don't love you
Don't love you
It's high time now just one crack at life
Who wants to live in, in trouble and strife
My mind must be free
To learn all I can about me, uh-hmm
I'm gonna love me, for the rest of my days
Encourage the babies every time they say
Self preservation is what's really going on today
Say I'm gonna turn loose a thousand times a day
But how can I turn loose
When I just can't break away
(when I just can't break away)
Oh, young hearts run free
They'll never be hung up
Hung up like my man and me
You and me
Ooooh, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when love really don't love you
Don't love you
Oh, young hearts run free
They'll never be hung up
Hung up like my man and me
You and me
Ooooh, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when love really don't love you
Don't love you
Oh, young hearts run free
They'll never be hung up
Hung up like my man and me
My man and me
Ooooh, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when love really don't love you
Don't love you

dissatisfaction

spreads like wildfire. it's like poison that climbs into another's being and spreads like black ink on a paper napkin. before awareness, another mood is destroyed.

i need to meditate more. can't seem to learn that om state where i'm not affected.

what really matters? do you know? will it be important when you look back? why are we so focus on the negative? why is that so much more attractive?

some women to the emotionally unavailable. "why men love bitches" is a title of a book.

is human nature just doomed to the dark side?

Become

was listening to cbc - c'est la vie about a couple's adoption experience. two boys two separate times from Haiti.

i am always awed by the expansion of the human heart. the kinds of human souls that have such great capacity for loving and giving and the understanding of what gives us real pure undefined joy.

i sometimes have to dig really deep to see what i essentially may have that may bring some realness to my reality. but i often wonder if i have that greatness. i know i want it, but how truly real am i?

workout

i did it! well for one day. zillions of happy endorphins running around in my body is fabulous.

i hope i hurt tomorrow.

good night.

mildly dejected

it wasn't a good day for the mind. so tired of semi-conscious games people play. i would just love to live in a world of balance of just character and community. don't do unto others what you would not like unto self. it seems so scarce to find like-minded peace and enthusiasm of soul. not a perfect world but just one that tries at least to live with a strand of decency. tired and running out of steam in this environment of seemly such virulence, such disaffection, discord and distrust. need to break free from the toxic and acidity.
sad so very sad.

reads

i've absorbed two books lately that have addicted my time. anna karenina - tolstoy and atlas shrugged - ayn rand.

i was surprised to had been so entrenched. tolstoy depth and richness of his characters is like none i've ever experienced. i'm sure i've read some others that have amazingness, but somehow his grasp of the male and female core is quite astounding to me.

ayn rand is a philosophy that i can understand but do not fully believe. her fantasies and characters are delightful. you can connect to them more if you are female:) she was born in Russia in 1906 and wrote this in 1957. she described this as her "magnum opus". Not having read any other i cannot compare but it was certainly magnificent. there are parts especially at the end where her style of "preaching" goes on and on and on...i'm not exaggerating.

i was browsing for a different read and stumbled upon "unless" - carol shields.

2011's wish

a brand new slate to canvass and create. Busy drawing and bustling through all i would like to experience for the next 365 days.

"full and present living" is the trend for me this year. i've always found this very challenging. my head is always in a realm of imagination and dimensions away from "now". my word this year is "BE". for best and excellence. the restless nature struggles but i aim to succeed.

priority list:

family time
implement a long lasting exercise routine
make time for creating and hobbies
routine for work learns, tools and tasks
household organization
read and smile everyday (even if the smiling is just a facial exercise)

material list:

epson stylus photo r1900 printer . i accept donations.
as many books as i can read. i accept recommendations. i would like to read almost everything. a home wall to wall library is beautiful.
wine
tickets to oprah
photography classes

that's it. happy new year.